Growing up, I wasn’t like other kids. I didn’t need to experience something myself to learn from it. I listened to my mom’s stories and learned from her experiences. I never felt the need to test things for myself.
I had what I thought was a difficult childhood. There were good times and bad times. At the time it seemed like more bad than good. Through it all I always thought that these things were happening to me for a reason that I would understand later in my life. Now, I call this faith. Then, I just did it without thinking about what it was and why I did it. I have had faith ever since I can remember. It’s who I am. Everything happens for a reason.
When my brother was a baby, he was very sick. He wasn’t supposed to live. He did and I believed that he was alive to save me. He was the reason that I kept going. My job was to be his big sister. We saved each other time and again up until his passing. If I am being honest, he is still saving me, and he always will.
Our mother was angry at the world. She had no one to take that anger out on so she took it out on me by yelling and hitting. I wondered why and what I had done that was so bad. I wasn’t a bad child. Did I sass? YES! Did I roll my eyes? Yes. Did I do anything worse? Other than stealing some money from her purse, no. This showed me that I should direct my anger at those who deserve it and not toward those who happen to be in the room. Have I perfected this? No. If I am very frustrated or angry, I try hard to not bark at others. I am still working on it. As for hitting, that is not part of my parenting.
Our parents divorced when I was young. Once I was old enough to understand, I thought that it was good thing that they divorced. I remember the arguments and yelling. It was miserable. It taught me about relationships and what they shouldn’t look like.
My father remarried pretty quickly. He married a woman who doted on me, spent quality time with me, and seemed to enjoy it. Then she got pregnant. Once her daughter was born, I ceased to exist to her. She called us “company” when we at their house (the house that my parents bought, and we had lived in until the divorce). She taught me what not to do as a stepmother. When I met my second husband, he had twin 5-year-old daughters. When we started getting serious, I knew that I would have to commit myself 100% to them. Since he had primary, full custody, I would instantly become a full-time mother. I did that. It wasn’t easy but I raised those kids like my own.
When I had a daughter, I worked hard to make sure that I didn’t ignore the older girls. Babies require more attention and time than pre-teens, but I did my best to stay involved in their lives and be there for them just like any other mother with a baby/toddler. I tried to keep things “normal”. I had a stepmother whose actions said that she didn’t care about me, and I was NOT going to be like that. When asked, I say that I have 3 children.
I find that I still learn through others’ experiences. I am glad that my belief that things will be revealed as we move through life if still alive in me. There are a few questions that remain but I know that I will get the answers when the time is right.
Just a Woman Trying . . . 
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