FATHERS –

FATHERS –

I have been fortunate to have 3 fathers in my life. The past 10 months or so have tested me (and them) and taught me a lot about my fathers.

My stepfather of 35+ years passed away after stepping away, or maybe slipping away, from everything and everyone in his life. He was a Vietnam veteran and only discussed his war experiences with my Mom. He didn’t want to place the burdens of what he saw on me and my brother. As Executor of his estate, I was responsible for disposing of all of his worldly possessions. It was a difficult job but worth it because I found things that he had written over the years to help him work through the war in his head and those papers gave me insight into his thoughts and experiences. The things that he saw and had to do were horrible for anyone of any age to have to endure, let alone a nineteen-year-old. Ultimately, he could no longer live with the memories and he drank himself to death. Everything considered, he and my mother had a 30+ year marriage where they were very much in love and happy, they traveled quite a bit and enjoyed family gatherings and their grandchildren.

About 10 years ago, I was fortunate enough to meet the man who would become my Bonus Dad. While we didn’t know each other for very long, the love was there. He treated me the same as his biological children. He was there any time I needed something whether it be a ride somewhere, something fixed, or a hand to hold. He was not demonstrative with his emotions but I always knew he loved me. He passed away a few months ago and I was with him a lot in the days leading up to his death. He waited until I left the house to take his final breath but I rushed back as quickly as I could and sat with him and my Bonus Mom until they came to take him away. As aggravating as he could be (and that was VERY), we all miss him very much.

As I write this, my father is slowly dying and will be put into hospice care. He is in his mid-80’s and he has had enough. He is tired of being in pain and trying to get better. He has said his goodbyes. A bunch of lesser things are wrong with his body but all together they add up to a lot. I am not sure how long this process will take but I am spending as much time with him as often as I can, I am doing what I can to care for him, and I make sure that the people who work in the facility where he is do all that they can for him. We have had a complicated relationship my entire life (one day I may write about that) but I am determined to make the most of the time we have remaining. While I would love it if he would say the words that I need to hear from him, I don’t expect him to. Either way, he will know that I love him. I have tried and tried over the years to get him to understand how I feel but he makes excuses or ignores what I have to say. That was his choice and one day I will be able to accept that.

It is now 4 months since I started writing this post and my Dad has passed away. He did it on his terms. That was the only thing that he could control. He asked to see those people he wanted to see (and told us repeatedly and unequivocally who he didn’t want to see) and he planned his own funeral and obituary. Unfortunately, others wanted things different than what he wanted so they ignored his wishes and changed the things that they could. Karma can handle that. I did what he asked of me and followed his instructions even if I did not agree with them. That is what a good person does for someone who is dying.

Yes, I lost all 3 of my Dads over a period of 11 months. I can still feel all 3 of them around me at different times giving me nudges, direction, words (thoughts) of wisdom. They were all dear to me in very different ways and I am grateful that I had all 3 of them in my life.