SCAPEGOAT AND PROTECTOR –

SCAPEGOAT AND PROTECTOR –

I grew up the scapegoat in my home. I found a document that my father had written about my childhood and he mentioned that my mom took all of her frustrations about their marriage out on me. He wasn’t wrong. What he was wrong about was that her frustrations were only about their marriage. Her behavior continued until her Alzheimer’s took over.

I was also the protector in the home – of my younger brother. Our divorced mother was angry at the world. She used/abused me to relieve the stress, I guess. I don’t know. But, I took it to keep my brother safe. My brother had been a sickly baby and she was afraid of hurting him so I got all of the physical punishments either of us deserved and all of the verbal abuse. That really did a number on both of us. Somehow I never blamed my brother for the way that I was treated; I knew that it wasn’t his fault.

When I was old enough and finally moved out of the house, so did my brother even though he was still a minor. He moved in with our father. As adults we discussed this and my brother said that he didn’t want to have to take the abuse my mother had been giving to me. We also discussed how he felt when she would call me into the room to hit me because he had done something wrong. We grew up close and maintained that close relationship until his death.

Having been both the scapegoat and protector for as long as I can remember has made me a better person. If I am upset or angry with someone or something, I do my best not to take that out on others. I am also very protective of those I care about. Understanding myself has made me a better person.